[Can't Opt Out]

Arc F1.9 | Chapter 18: To Be Brave

Xavier wasn’t like Porsq’ha or Cheska, with their ability to dig into minds… kinda. Cheska wasn’t there yet, but Xavier thought that one day she might? He’d overheard Mōra'sa's mommies talking about it once, whispering in that language of theirs that Xavier wasn’t supposed to know but knew even better than Mōra’sa.He was good at picking up skills and knowledge just by watching and listening.

Not the point. The fact that Mōra’sa’s mommies had heard from Fräthk that Cheska’s irregular deviation wasn’t even the point. It was a , which Izurial’buran always said were good things. They helped people get to know one another. They showed where a person’s mind went—those little things they were reminded of as life went by and while having conversations.

The point was that Xavier couldn’t dig into minds, but he was skilled at people watching. There were little things people did that, once you knew what to look for, that you could see. From there, you could guess at what they were feeling figure out how to behave in order to get a certain reaction out of them

Cravena’gushan clenched her hands when she was holding back her words—and if she was holding back her words, the muscles in her jaw would tense. Xavier didn’t think these were strange things because he’d seen over people do them as well—Renton’buraf did both as well, and Xavier had seen other captives who shifted in and out of their floor do it too. Cravena’gushan was just angry much, so it was obvious that she did these things.

A lot of the time, Izurial’buran had been responsible for telling him and Porsq’ha about the hard things that they would probably experience during their lives as captive. He hid it well, but Xavier had always been able to tell that Izurial’buran that he had to tell them those things. It wasn’t that he was uncomfortable with what he had to say itself—sex, Izurial’buran had once said, was something all silverstrains had to get comfortable with really early.

he had said, pulling Xavier closer into him while Porsq’ha stared off into the distance. It didn’t really take a lot to realize that Porsq’ha had already experienced , if whatever terrible thing the older boy had experienced could be called . Izurial’buran had given it a million different words at one point, trying to give Porsq’ha some way to describe what had happened to him that he felt appropriate.

the silverstrain had said carefully, running his fingers through Porsq’ha’s hair after he had finally broken and cried his pain into Izurial’buran’s lap, and

Xavier had asked from where he had climbed into Porsq’ha’s back—but only with his permission! Porsq’ha generally didn’t like people touching him without permission, but he’d been okay with Olivier'burat—Xavier had decided he would call Olivier’burat until he was told he couldn’t.

Since he might never see Olivier’burat or anyone else he loved and trusted again, that might never happen. Xavier hoped they would see each other again, but as he stood there beside Mōra’sa’s mommies, his fingers brushing over the aethermark Olivier’burat’s silverstrain friend had accidentally left on him… he wasn’t sure if they would ever meet again.

Over the chatter and laughter of Mōra'sa's mommies, Izurial’buran’s voice floated through him mind, telling him that, from his perspective, all of them were still victims—they were captives, so they were still in the process of being victims.

the older man had added, a million more words slipping out of his mouth, and Izurial’buran knew many languages from all the nights he had spent with people from other nations because Fräthk had given the silverstrain to them for the night. Izurial’buran said he only knew a few fluently, but both when giving Porsq’ha words to describe the terrible things that had happened to him and when giving them more words to describe the positive things they could be while still being and , Izurial’buran had given them words in lots of different languages, carefully explaining all the tiny differences in each word that was the same and not all at once.

Rebels.

Heroes.

Saviours.

Caretakers.

Children.

Friends.

Xavier liked the idea that he could be his own hero—there were a few words in other languages that were specific to people who saved themselves. He liked that he could be someone else’s hero even more, and maybe he had been that for Olivier’burat? It felt like Olivier’burat had needed to be saved, when Mōra’sa’s mommy attacked him.

If something happened to Olivier’burat… it felt like bad things would happen.

one of Mōra'sa's mommies said—the mean one. They were both mean, but the one who attacked Olivier’burat was always a bit meaner. Mōra'sa's nice mommy was mean with words. Mōra'sa's mean mommy was mean with both words and fists. Words were easier to ignore than fists—Xavier knew the words they said were stupid, after all.

Their words used to affect him—and he was still good at faking that their words were getting to him because the one time he’d made it clear that they could say anything to him and he wouldn’t care had been bad enough that he’d been removed from their for a few days, while his injuries healed. Then, he’d gone back and known to pretend their words sliced him up just as much as Mōra'sa's mean mommy’s fists left bruises.

Xavier wasn’t sure, but he thought Porsq’ha had done something to make sure their words didn’t affect him. Some people didn’t like Porsq’ha doing things to their minds, but Xavier didn’t really get it. For him, Porsq’ha had only even done good things, making his life better.

Hopefully, Porsq’ha was okay. At least he hadn’t been there when Mōra'sa's mommies had shown up. They would have hurt Porsq’ha, all to make sure they could get him back to Fräthk. Porsq’ha was so valuable and so kind. Olivier’burat had been willing to die for Xavier, and he thought Porsq’ha—who was his friend, and almost like an older brother to him—would be as well.

All Mōra'sa's mommies would have needed to do was threaten and Porsq’ha would have cooperated. Xavier was glad it was only him being handed back to Fräthk, and he was trying really hard not to be afraid.

Unless other people had been caught as well—and he hoped they hadn’t been—he was going to be put somewhere where he knew no one. Izurial’buran had made sure both he and Porsq’ha knew that, while their lives were still terrible, they were slightly safer where they were. No one in their holding cells liked little kids. Mōra'sa's mommies were mean to him, but at least they didn’t touch him .

The man they wanted to give him over to did like little kids he had a really powerful irregular deviation. According to Cordk’buran, that was the only reason Prex was kept around: he was so powerful that lots of people were willing to Not everyone, though! Vtraní, one of the few times they had met, had told him that Prex was avoiding them because he knew that Vtraní would definitely kill him.

they had said, giving him and Porsq’ha a bit of candy before they slipped back upstairs.

Porsq’ha had said, Vtraní humming in agreement.

Huffing what Izurial’buran called , Vtraní had added,

Later, Porsq’ha had told him that Vtraní hadn’t told them the worst bit: they were pretty sure that some of the Drinarna who worked for Fräthk actually handed kids over to Prex. Since his abilities didn’t work that well on Vtraní, Porsq’ha had only been able to say that there had been a taste of in Vtraní’s mind that, combined with how much Izurial’buran and Vtraní had made sure they never to trust any Drinarna, they were actually being really terrible.

Xavier was always listening, and when he and Porsq’ha were allowed to spend time together, he learned about a lot of the things the older boy had learned from the minds of everyone he came into contact with—other captives and their guards, mostly, since he wasn’t allowed outside anymore. All that listening and learning meant he knew that the Drinarna were really bad, and it seemed like some of them were letting lots of criminals go unpunished and letting cases go unsolved, all so that

A bunch of kids going missing and then being found murdered? That was a and case.

Xavier knew Prex wouldn’t kill him—he was too valuable—but that didn’t mean he wasn’t scared, even if he was trying so hard not to show it.

he had once asked Izurial’buran. His weight had shifted from side to side. Porsq’ha hadn’t been with them that time because Porsq’ha didn’t need to hear whether whatever he had done when someone had hurt him had been good or bad, right or totally wrong.

Of course, Izurial’buran had told him that was a difficult thing to answer.

Izurial'buran had looked away, truly uncomfortable as he told him that some people truly just little kids and wanted to be with them, although he’d also told Xavier that once, he’d heard about a woman who kidnapping kids. As much as he had normalized conversations about both the good and terrible parts of sexuality, Izurial’buran hadn’t liked needing to have these conversations with children. So, he a lot, adding bits of information and side stories into what he told them, so that everything he told them wouldn’t add up into being . Izurial’buran didn’t think having to tell them anything so sad and terrible was fair to them, as though Xavier and Porsq’ha hadn’t both realized that every silverstrain probably had to have these conversations pushed into them when they were far too young as well, even when they had mommies and daddies who loved them and would try their best to keep them safe.

The world, Xavier often thought, was a terrible place, and one day…

One day, he thought he would quite like to be a hero to people who needed a little help saving themselves—or just couldn’t save themselves! Izurial'buran had been very clear when they discussed words and how they could view themselves as that it was as okay to feel like you save yourself as it was to feel like you !

So, one day, Xavier would like to help people who both could and couldn’t help themselves.

Right now, he thought himself both: he was both someone who needed a hero and someone who could work to protect himself.

Beside him, Mōra'sa's mommies continued to complain about how long it was taking for Prex to arrive, but Xavier could already feel him coming closer—and how had Mōra'sa's mommies felt that power of his? It was so loud—impossible to ignore.

Yet, when the man’s gravelly voice cut through their complaints, snide and cruel and sending a shudder through Xavier’s entire body, both women started. Words of greeting floated between the three, and it didn’t escape his notice that they had pulled Mōra'sa under one of their coats, trying to keep Prex from even catching the smallest glimpse of her.

The man noticed, Xavier thought, as he stared at the man, willing himself not to cower or show his fear.

Izurial had suggested leaving out the fact that when returned, it would be as a broken thing.

Unlike most of the kids Prex took from the city, he would survive with his life. That didn’t make it okay.

Izurial'buran had been quiet for a long time, his fingers continuing to drag through Xavier’s hair, trying to loosen some of the worst mats. It hadn’t really worked, but Xavier liked the feel of fingers scratching his scalp, which was always so itchy.

Eventually, the silverstrain had found his words, explaining in a million words that, sometimes, predators were looking for a specific type of victim, but if the person was completely different, it might lead to frustration to them seeing their victim as

Izurial’buran had run his fingers through his own silver hair, annoyed because Xavier could tell he hated this.

There was no good answer to his question of but Izurial'buran had tried his best. Staring down Prex, Xavier thought he understood how much the question had weighed on the silverstrain: the man was terrifying and Izurial’buran had been forced to give him advice that might keep him safe or might make everything much worse for him, and there was no way either of them could know what reaction each path would lead him to.

Xavier would rather regret being brave, even if, as the man’s predatory eyes finally found his, all he wanted to do was run away and cry.

If later, it seemed like the man would try to break him, Xavier would let his fear out. Until then, he clamped her jaw tight and continued to stare the man down, every little twitch of Prex’s body pulling into Xavier’s mind, looking for he could use to keep himself save.